vulnerability

August 10, 2008

I have been fortunate enough to have known God for a majority of my life.  My relationship with him has continued to grow and I have finally got to the point in my spiritual growth where it is not merely an occasional “spiritual high” that i experience but a daily relationship.  One of the things that I recently had been experiencing was this desire to look perfect.  Now I am quite aware that I am, by no means, perfect.  I am completely jacked up in every sense of the word and I know that because of his love, God has granted me grace.  But I have felt this need to appear perfect.  Mainly to my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I would tell them about things that I had dealt with in the past but as far as my current imperfections, they really didn’t know much about them.  I just felt like I had to look like I basically had it all together, with the exceptions of a few minor flaws here and there.  There were things that I was dealing with that I hadn’t even let my best friends and one of my closest sisters in Christ in on.

Until last night.

My best friend just got back from a 5 week discipleship program at the camp that I go to called Pine Cove.  I was so anxious to hear everything that God had taught her and I was equally anxious to tell her some of the things that I had learned in her absence.  One of the things that she had learned was that when you are not vulnerable, you deny someone the chance to learn from you.  That truth hit so hard.  Our conversation turned into the two of us staying up till 5 confessing our weaknesses and our huge struggles.  It was hard.  And the wind was knocked out of me on more than one occasion.  But I learned something so valuable last night.  I am flawed.  And the world needs to know that.  And my flaws are part of my testimony.  And I’m not ashamed of them any more.  The only thing that matters now and will ever matter is that I has been washed white as snow because love died on a cross for me 2,000 years ago.  And anything I have done or will do has already been forgiven.

So I apologize.  I apologize for staying “on the surface” with people that I consider my family in Christ.  I am not perfect.  And I never will be.  But I have a pretty awesome God that could care less about those imperfections.

How he loves us so.

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