Spiritual Insomnia

January 29, 2010

It is currently 4 a.m. I haven’t been able to sleep before, at the earliest, 3 all week long. Not entirely sure why. I want to sleep. I don’t enjoy having to wake up for an 8 a.m. class and having no relief of rest but that has been the case. Every other night this week, I have found my inability to sleep to be frustrating. But tomorrow is Friday. I only have one early class and then I am done for the day. Being up this late is also giving me plenty of time to think. To process. Not much time for that in the day. Anyway, it has been a while since I have last been on here. I find that whenever I don’t feel as if I don’t have anything beneficial or deep to contribute to the world, I don’t write at all. I still feel as if my brain is in disarray, but that isn’t likely to change anytime soon.

Life has been good. God has blessed me. I love Abilene. I absolutely love the people who I have met here. The professors are wonderful. I am taking some awesome classes. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the place that I am supposed to be. All of the good things about ACU don’t necessarily keep the bad things from weighing on my mind eventually. The transition to college life, while a fun one, has also been hard at times. As with most people, change is hard for me. At the end of the summer, I was perfectly content with staying in The Woodlands and allowing God to use me there. Which, I know that he would have, but I knew that I needed to be in Abilene. And I was right. After a week here, I was already starting to make some of the best relationships I have ever made. There is something about doing life with people that is┬áso wonderful. You are with these people every day, all day. And, most of the time, I love that. I feel as if I have known most of these people my entire life. The thing that has suffered the most in this big transition is not my study life or my social life but, unfortunately, my spiritual life. Which brings me to what I have been meditating on tonight.

My Bible professor, in talking to my class about our spiritual walks, made a connection that I am sure many have people have made but me, in my finite wisdom, had not. He compared the journey with Christ directly to the story of the cross. Huge shocker that those would relate, right? Let me explain: Sometimes, it is a Sunday. We are on top of the mountain and nothing can go wrong and all is well with the world. It is nothing but praise and it is, obviously, ideal. But, because of sinful nature, it is not always like that. Sometimes, it’s a Friday. Christ is being betrayed and crucified and nothing seems to be going well. We can’t see Sunday coming and so we freak out thinking that Friday is the end. And sometimes, it is just a Saturday. That day in between. In the story of the crucifixion, nothing happened on Saturday. It was just there. Kind of in between the valley and the peak. That is where I feel like I am. I feel like I have been having a string of Saturdays. And it has been hard. I still have yet to find a real small group here at ACU that dives in the The Word together and holds each other accountable. I don’t have a mentor here, which is so imperative. I would love to have a Timothy but can’t do that until I have a Paul to teach and mentor me.

I know my Dad. And I know that Sunday will come. I know that He sustains me and I know that He is providing me with everything I need when I need it. He is enough. I am confident in that. But I miss Him. I miss knowing what the top of the mountain looks like and not being able to see it. Psalm 42 has been my anthem lately. Verses 1, 2 and 11, specifically. They read:

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Amen.