September 26, 2010

I haven’t written since I was in Brasil due to lack of time.. Or maybe lack of, in my opinion, “worthy” material. But, in any case, I felt the need to share some stuff.

I am an emotional person. I know this about myself. But I haven’t cried in a while. I mean, the good, let-it-all-out kind of cries. Apparently my emotional self could not hold it in any longer because last night, after work, I got in my car and broke down. God is good but lately He has been throwing some hard stuff my way and I am tired of acting like I am taking all of it in the great way that I appear to be taking it.

So I am home this semester. Not back at ACU, the place that I absolutely love with the people that adore. To be honest, the tuition was too high and my grades weren’t high enough to get me the financial aid that I needed. But that isn’t what I have been telling people. I have been telling them simply that “It was God’s will that I leave.” And of course it was God’s will but I almost feel as if there was more to it than that. So there it is, couldn’t stay at ACU and so I am back home, sleeping in my old bed, seeing parents of my old friends, and, to be honest, feeling like a failure. As silly as it sounds, even being on Facebook is getting to be hard. It is so painful to me to see my ACU friends going through things that I should be going through with them. I miss them. I miss Abilene. But, what’s done is done.

In our society today, there always has to be a plan. You know, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” or “What are you doing with your life?” That sort of thing. And, right now, I can’t fully answer that question. I think I know where I want to end up, but as far as how I am getting there and in what time frame, I have no idea. And that is embarrassing to me. I feel like I should know that. I want to know that. But I don’t think I am supposed to. In fact, I know that God doesn’t want to me to know what’s next because He has it under control.

One of the things that I have gained in this move is time. I have more time than I know what to do with. I am using this time in order to get back to the basics. To bring it back to Him and His plan first and foremost. There is a song that I heard in Brasil called “Viver Coisas Novas,” Which means “to live new things”. The whole song is basically a huge metaphor. It talks about getting rid of some old things. Letting the wind come in and air out the house. Cleaning out the entry hall. And I feel like that’s what this time has to be. It is a time of restoring and renewing and living new things. It is a hard time but a necessary one.

I have heard the song, “Hurricane” by Jimmy Needham a million times. I have always thought that the lyrics were beautiful and I have sung along willingly but it wasn’t until I was listening to the song last night, with tears in my eyes, that I fully realized what I was praying for God to do. The lyrics are, “I need you, like a hurricane, thunder crashing, wind, and rain, to tear my walls down. I’m only Yours now.” Hurricane. Not sissy little rain shower. Hurricanes are powerful things. They absolutely devastate. They rip apart things. So to pray for God to completely devastate is a BOLD thing. There is another line that says, “If destruction’s what I need, then I’ll receive it Lord, from thee” and another that says “let me be Your casualty.” The song was a lot harder to listen to when the weight of that prayer set in. But, none the less, that is my prayer in this time.

I need You to devastate me, Lord. Humiliate me for Your sake. Let me die to myself and live for You daily. It is gonna be hard. In fact, at times I am going to be utterly miserable. But, as much as I forget this fact, it will be worth it. You will rebuild.