For Such A Time As This

February 12, 2011

Moving back to your hometown¬† is awkward. That is the only word that I can find to describe it. I feel like I missed something somewhere. I am 20 years old. And yet, due to the circumstances, I have a desk job that I go to every day, I start my morning off with the paper and a cup of coffee and my group of friends consists of teachers, petroleum engineers, and IT technicians. I can’t help but feel as if I have been robbed. A part of me is playing, “when I grow up” and a part of me feels like I am already there. I am young. I know this. I have a lot of life left to live. But, at the moment, I am torn. I feel as if I am desperately searching for a constant, but in all the wrong places.

I loved college. I met amazing people. I had amazing experiences. There are people that say they could spend their entire lives in college. Obviously, that is a bit of an over-exaggeration, but my point is, people love that time. And I did too. But as soon as I felt like I hit my stride at ACU, my time there was over. I feel like I got a taste of something that was ripped away before I could finish. And then I moved back to The Woodlands. And for the first few months that I was here, I hated it. I felt depressed and I wanted to be anywhere but here. But I knew I was here and so I tried to make the best of it. I made new friends, I got a job, and unfortunately I loved all of it. And that leads me to the torn feeling that I have now. I miss the college experience. And undoubtedly, I will have it back soon enough. But now I have this life here and it is this taste of the real world that I actually enjoy.

This past summer when I was working at Ozark in Arkansas and living in Brasil, I felt a similar feeling. When I had to leave Ozark for Brasil, I was devastated. I had cultivated relationships in the short time that I had been in Arkansas and now I was supposed to go to a foreign country and start all over. A part of me didn’t want to go. For the first week or two in Brasil, I missed Ozark terribly, the people especially. And then I feel in love with Brasil and the people there. And as my time of departure from Brasil came,¬† I dreaded the return back to Ozark. For the first few weeks of my time back in Arkansas, I thought of Brasil often. I would speak Portuguese randomly and my peers humored me by listening to way too many stories of my time there.

I am back in that place. I miss ACU terribly, and I know as soon as I leave my friends in The Woodlands, I will miss this place. Life truly has no constant apart from God. And I forget that all the time. The story that has come to times on more than one occasion in this season is that of Esther. I think of what Mordecai reminded her. “And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14). For such a time as this. I am here in The Woodlands for such a time as this. And I was at ACU for such a time as that. And soon I will be somewhere for such a time as that. I do not doubt that Esther was torn in her decision to stand up for the Jewish people. And obviously, my decisions do not have an entire group resting on them. But I have to believe that God is using me and teaching me here. And that I have been placed here for such time as this. And that my time here will be over eventually, although when that will be I cannot say. I am not likely to ever find a constant in life other than God and the fact that He is constantly working in me and through me.

At this point in life, where I often find that I am missing something or someone, that’s comforting.