Insomnia

June 3, 2012

A commercial that I have been seeing on television way too much lately is the ad for Direct TV. Basically, the ad talks about the sequence of events that can follow when you have problems with your cable. The end of the sequence is always something ridiculous like selling your hair to a wig shop or attending your own funeral. All in all, a silly commercial. But as I sit here evaluating my own sequence of events tonight, it came to mind although rather than ending my hair being made into a wig, it ends with me writing this post.

It is 2 AM on a Sunday morning, I’ve been staring at the ceiling for the last 2 hours and for the life of me, I don’t know why I still cannot fall asleep. After two hours of watching my ceiling fan spin, I picked up my computer. Perhaps to find something to entertain myself with for a while before my eyes finally decide to close. This search inevitably ended on Facebook where I spent a while scrolling through previews of the various events that occurred in the days of my peers. Scrolling led me to clicking on link that led to an old friend’s page; a friend that I used to go to school with in Abilene. And that got me thinking about ACU. And that led me to ask myself the same question that I have been for the last 2 years: Where did I go wrong? And that led me to writing this post.

I’ve seen reasoning in my move back to Houston. I have learned valuable lessons and met wonderful people and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t trade those experiences. But I still can’t seem to shake this sense of rut-dwelling that I have had for the last two years. I still can’t play that silly “what if” game. What if I still lived in Abilene? What if I was just about to finish my last year of college? What if I had spent more summers working at camps and traveling rather than working my 9 to 5 desk job? The “what if” game is stupid. The “what if” game robs you of so many things that you could be learning in the present. And yet, it has become my favorite game to play.

And I guess that’s where the rut dwelling happens. I have no idea how to stop playing the “what if” game. I have no idea how to stop looking at my peers lives and comparing it to mine. I can repeat a million times over all the sayings. “Comparison robs you of joy.” “Time spent wishing is time wasted.” But the rut comes back into play and I end right where I started.

So that’s where I am. At 2:30. On a Sunday morning. Burnt out. Rut residing.

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